Book 4: Chapter 69: Mirror
There was chaos in the throne room after the prince’s rather decisive to, in effect, claim the throne. Guards and servants were summoned. The guards took the queen away in chains, cursing her unfilial child all the way. The servants were tasked with taking away Chan Yu Ming’s hysterical sisters and rousing all the people Sen rendered unconscious. In the midst of all of that, Sen tried to fade away into the background. It was almost a successful venture. He’d gotten as far as a side door before the prince called out after him.
“So, is that it? You send the kingdom into chaos and turmoil, and then you leave without a word.”
Sen turned and met the prince’s angry eyes. “The kingdom was already in chaos and turmoil. All that’s changed is that now you know about it.”
“You planned all of this, didn’t you? You expected me to kill him.”
“He needed to die. I knew that much. It was better for the kingdom if someone in your family did it. Yes, it was also better for me if someone in your family did it. If one of you hadn’t killed him, though, I would have.”
“And what if we’d closed ranks to protect him.”
Sen let the silence linger between them for several seconds. “What do you imagine I would have done?”
“The person who visited my home and discussed politics with me? I think that man would have left in disgust. Except, you aren’t that man. This is who you really are. If we’d chosen to protect him, I think the man standing in front of me would have slain us all.”
“Well, that’s an answer. You were wrong about two things, though.”
“Was I?” asked the prince.
“Yes. First, I am both of those men. I lesson I had to learn the hardest possible way is that I can be more than one thing. The second thing,” said Sen, “is that you didn’t fail my test.”
Jing was caught so off-guard by that statement that it seemed to disrupt the not entirely unreasonable anger he was feeling at Sen.
“I don’t understand.”
“You are, against all odds, a decent man. The fight I was in at the time was no place for a decent man. A break with me was the surest protection you could get. As my ally, you were a target with no real defense against the people who would have come for you.”
“Do you even recognize how patronizing that is?”
“I…what?”
“Your excuse is that it was all for my own good. You made that decision like I wasn’t intelligent enough to understand the dangers inherent in the situation. Do I strike you as stupid?”
“No. You do not.”
A wearying realization that he’d been here before settled over Sen. Hadn’t he done the same thing with Lifen? Withheld information because he didn’t think it would benefit her to know it. He remembered how angry she’d been when she found out. He thought she’d been almost as angry as the prince was with him now.
“It probably never even occurred to you that I could have helped you. The same way that I could have helped you do this,” he swept his hand around the room, “in a way that wouldn’t require my sisters to live with the memory of me butchering our father and brother.”
“This needed to happen,” said Sen, anger bleeding into his voice.
“Of course, this needed to happen. I knew it. You knew it. Everyone in this room knew it. But there were other ways to do it! And if you would have just talked to me, like a friend, I would have told you that! Instead, you forced my hand and put me in a position where I had to act.”
Sen felt like his heart stopped. He remembered hurling nearly identical words at Lo Meifeng. He’d felt so sure about those words. He’d been so certain that he was in the right. Yet, here he was doing the same thing to someone else. The scale wasn’t quite the same. The prince had only killed two people, and Sen was very confident they’d both had it coming. The offense itself, though? That was close enough that it was all but indistinguishable save for some details. No, thought Sen, it isn’t the same. In a grim moment of realization, he saw that what he’d done was worse. Lo Meifeng had acted in a moment of desperation. She had stumbled onto a full-scale cultivator battle and reacted.
He had engineered the confrontation. He’d ensured that everyone would be present. He’d taken his assessment of the prince’s character and judged that the prince would likely do what Sen wanted him to do. Sure, it was almost certainly for the greater good. The kingdom would probably be better off for it in the long run. Sen truly believed that anyone who was so fundamentally broken as a person that they could do the things the king had done was likely a terrible ruler. And exactly none of that mattered to the prince, or likely to Chan Yu Ming, or their sisters. Just like none of Lo Meifeng’s reasons had mattered to him because the pain wasn’t measured in abstractions like the greater good. Pain was fundamentally a personal experience, and he had caused all of these people pain. He suspected much of it had been unavoidable pain, but he also thought that he’d made it worse than it needed to be. Sen had manipulated someone he thought of as a friend to get the result he wanted. When it was all said and done, that was what the prince would take away from the situation because it was the truth. Sen was so caught up in his thoughts that it startled him when the prince spoke again.
“You don’t have anything to say?”
Sen hesitated and then spoke. “If it’s a consolation to you, there is a very good chance I’ll be dead inside of two years.”
“Why would that be a consolation to me? You being dead doesn’t solve anything.”
“I just meant that it’s unlikely that I’ll trouble your kingdom again.”
“Is that what you think I care about?”
“No. I expect you want an apology.”
“Wouldn’t you?”
Sen suppressed the urge to laugh at the bitter irony of it all. “I would. I’d also want the person to mean it.”
“Are you saying that a simple apology is beyond you?”
“I’m sorry about the pain I’ve caused all of you,” said Sen. “But I made what I thought were the best choices based on what I knew and believed at the time. Put in the same position with the same information and beliefs, though, I’d make the same choices. I’m sure that isn’t what you want to hear, because it wasn’t what I wanted to hear when I was on the other side of this conversation.”
The prince’s expression darkened. “If you’ve been on my side of this conversation, why would you ever do that to someone?”
“We don’t always see ourselves clearly. At least, I don’t. You don’t always recognize when you’re walking down the path to a bad decision,” said Sen.
“That’s an easy excuse.”
“You know that it’s not an excuse. It’s a truth. One I hope you avoid when you’re sitting on that profoundly uncomfortable throne.”
The prince turned away with his fists clenched. Sen remembered that anger and the hurt that drove it so well. Sen consoled himself with the knowledge that the prince could at least send him away. He could even banish me, thought Sen. He is the king or just a hair’s breadth away from it. Although, the prince probably recognized how futile it would be to try to banish a cultivator like Sen. And, the prince was also savvy enough to know that, if Sen lived, he would be good for a favor or three down the road. Favors from higher-level cultivators weren’t something that smart rulers threw away on a whim or in a fit of pique. It took a little while, but the prince’s fists eventually unclenched. Sen watched as the prince frowned at the throne.
“It really is absurdly uncomfortable, isn’t it?” said the prince.
“You should get a new one,” said Sen, taking a few steps so he stood beside the prince.
“I think I will,” said the prince. “You realize that it’s going to be a while before I stop being angry about all of this.”
“Yeah. I know it better than anyone.”
“Will you speak with Yu Ming before you leave?”
“No.”
The prince eyed him. “Are you sure that’s the best course of action?”
Sen offered the other man a half-shrug. “If I was her, I’d probably blame me for all of this. She won’t want to see me. Or, she’ll definitely want to see me, just so she can try to put a jian through me. Either way, better for everyone if I’m just not here.”
“Perhaps so. I take it you’re leaving the city.”
“I am. Soon.”
“In that case, travel safely if you can.”
“Rule well, your majesty.”
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